Reading Tim Keller’s little book on Self Forgetfulness, I realized something. The problem with my busyness and running around spilling coffee and droppin’ things is that a bunch of it is all for the wrong motives. The real reason I do a lot of things, if I’m being honest(which is what blogging is all about), is that I crave attention. I try to eat and cook healthy and work out because I want people to notice(so they aren’t judging or criticizing). I want my husband happy and I want to be healthy, for me. Ok so it’s not a crime but why do I teach a little artsy class? I love them and it brings me joy and delight. But also to impress their parents…! Alright but why am I trying to do everything right and please my coworkers? I’m afraid my boss will dislike me and fire me?! That’s living in fear. Why do I sign up for ministries and volunteer and serving projects? To gain recognition, to look good, do good, be good, all for others…because deep down inside, God’s love IS enough and should be enough, but I don’t believe it. I don’t trust His blessed assurance – I just go on and on thinking I need praise of others:( why does it bother me or wrack me with guilt if my friends or social life is stressful or someone says something hurtful so I think it’s all my fault? I jump to defend myself thinking there was another reason, but really I just don’t like it people think bad of me! Finding the balance of caring, but not being jaded, or not caring too much but not being uncaring seems to be a lifelong struggle.
In other news, e beginning of this long week I started out all down and discouraged, worried I have ADD, ADHD, trouble focusing, brain fog, aging/memory loss, going to get sick, need a doc, stressed about finding the time for therapeutic counseling, making little mistakes, when I realized, “oh! All I need is more of the Reliv supplement and working out and more sleep!” But then I worried we couldn’t afford more supplements because I don’t have time to juggle that business, and then I felt all guilty and badgering myself. I was a real bully! Next thing I knew, I found myself meditating on Psalm 84, in the beauty of Descanso Gardens. I journaled and prayed, and Thursday went MUcH better, I felt better and so today after my jog and seeing my herb garden seedlings starting, I rejoiced that I a blossoming into the woman He wants me to be. He loves me more than I can imagine, and that is enough.
Ok so honesty time: I haven’t been doing enough cardio lately. I was doing a little here& there but mainly focused on this 12 week training program my friend and I found on Pinterest. I thought I started out fairly light but haven’t been building up to a lot so today I did do 25 min hard elliptical, 5min hard stair master and a good increase on my upper arm workout for today. And we have been adding abs also. It’s all good baby!:) I don’t need to feel guilty- except that well, I do: wasn’t eating super healthy this past week!;( but I’m ready to kill it nail it smash it kick it hard!
And furthermore I have decided to wear skirts/dresses more – less to accessorize and wear more makeup/jewelry and do hair(normally I’m a washngo casual tee/jeans) but my husband, work, and friends all appreciate it, and I think my lame excuses have got to stop. I want to find The balance of Not Taking Forever to get ready but also not showing up lookin like a ragamuffin either. Maybe on Fridays wear pants?
Lame excuse #1: I get the wrong attention (males checking me out, flirting, or harassing) I’m married and I don’t dress to impress them I dress to keep myself happy, confident, to glorify God and to honor my husband. Who cares what perverts think? Or if competitive girls are jealous negative or mean just ignore- their problem not mine
Lame excuse #2: I’m forgetful, disorganized and don’t have time (the night before I do have time, I love organizing, and the morning of I can check my reminder list!)
Lame excuse #3: I’m not good at fixing hair, fashion design, color coordinating, etc. I am actually good at it! IMHO! I love choosing what goes with what!
Keep me accountable friends! Pls comment to let me know what helps you with your am routine?:)
This morning I enjoyed a nice hike-jog through my town. It was beautiful and I enjoyed the smells and sights and morning sounds. I taught one of my last(next week will be my last for the semester) artsy classes and then I prayed and fell apart in the arms of Jesus and His people. It hit me that:
I want my husband happy in his work
I do not want to move or leave here.
I want my husband to find a job here that is fulfilling.
I want to buy or rent a house here to raise my kids here.
I love this city. I think there a million opportunities for ministry, the arts, and good churches and schools for our kids.
I do not want to leave.
I don’t want to live in the southeast with the humidity and other southern things that I struggled to love in high school, find joy in college and then I fell into depression.
I don’t want to raise kids overseas so far away from our families. I liked teaching overseas but I want this to be homebase and my heart feels selfish guilty and emotional right now!
I pray for peace, contentment and for guidance right now. I want to go encourage and uplift my husband, not tear him down!
He has been so helpful and thoughtful! We have fun giggling and spending more time together right now !:)
People ask how he’s doing and I start to cry- he is so sweet and happy I’m the one that panics and cries out to God.
My pastor asked if I wanted to help with drama and Christmas stuff this year. Oh of course I want to!
My coworker brought her kids by as we were all finishing up, and I fell in love with another precious family. I know it’s expensive to live here but I know people that do it!
I love my apartment- it’s charming, quaint, 1940s and big! I was just feeling settled thinking maybe kids next year…
God knows. It’s okay. I’m human but He is God! He knows our desires.
My friend from work showed me a train. The engine (front car) is the facts: the truth of God’s word. The middle is the coal- our faith. The caboose? Our feelings. What do you feed your steam engine with?:)
The lady that walks in beauty and grace
The woman who is strong and trusts God
The female that i call mama, the role that I someday hope to be
The girl who was a lil’ Ecuadorian butterfly
The gal who stole my daddy’s heart 35+ years ago
The sweet endearing cheerful singer who taught me to wake up early and read God’s word and sing hymns
Also who harmonized to Carpenters and other folks
The one who texts me prayers and verses and speaks around the globe
The person who taught me to love classic lit and how to write
Now the mother with an empty nest who embraces 4 grandchildren and 3 sons in law and 2 daughters in law!
Thank you for showing me things like cooking and cleaning, loving and living well!!!
I once heard Judd Apatow being interviewed on NPR and so I got excited about his film “This is 40.” I am glad I didn’t spend movie theatre prices and gas to go see it. We were disappointed, disturbed, and disgusted. Ok I laughed a few times but not at the usual Hollywood sex jokes- they weren’t funny. It was disinteresting after a while. It was sad and didn’t resolve. Ok so maybe it was realistic to think some people cuss that much at each other but my husband and I are blessed- we don’t fight like that. Maybe we are too laid back?! But I’ll take that over all the yelling and cussing that I just heard for two hours. I liked some of the actors but kept going, “really?! Every other word?” To me that’s just gratuitous. I did like some of the aging rituals – trips to doctor or tests or things that 40 year olds may go through, but we didn’t need the whole hemorrhoid scene where he holds his
Legs up the entire time(what guy could do that for that long?! No stirrups!) I just didn’t think it was worth it. If you saw this&enjoyed it please tell me why I should 🙂 after a busy day at work I enjoyed The zankou meal my husband got us but really?! Ugh- I picked a dud.
Just want to give a shout out to my parents as May Day marks their anniversary. In 1976 they were young and in love. He was starting out as a pastor, she had just graduated from Wheaton. On their honeymoon in the Bahamas they got real- they realized they had married a fellow sinner:) Now every year since, their love has deepened! Their love has grown through church hardships, pastoring overseas, homeschooling, failing health of their parents, and 8 children! During my first marriage is when I realized Jesus’ prayer for unity(John 17) was not ringing true in my life but I wished it could happen like it had for my parents…so when I got married September 2011 we made John 17 one of our Scriptures- a life verse. It is for all believers to become one and that’s what my parents’ life has displayed, and what my husband and I are working on. True commitment is when two people are faithful in loving no matter what. Forget physical attraction(our bodies change so much) – its lasting commitment that matters! Thanks for your example Mama and Daddy! Ily!